Funny one liners and sayings

jeffcc
jeffcc Forum Participant Posts: 430
edited November 2016 in Fun & Trivia #1

Just thought i would try and interject some humour.:-

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Please feel free to add

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Comments

  • cyberyacht
    cyberyacht Forum Participant Posts: 10,218
    1000 Comments
    edited November 2016 #2

    If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.

  • trellis
    trellis Forum Participant Posts: 1,102
    1000 Comments
    edited November 2016 #3

    If you break your leg doing that , don't come running to me .

  • Jood
    Jood Forum Participant Posts: 120
    edited November 2016 #4

    He'd rob you of your shoe laces and call you slop shoe!

  • jeffcc
    jeffcc Forum Participant Posts: 430
    edited November 2016 #5

    Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

  • G Cherokee
    G Cherokee Forum Participant Posts: 402
    100 Comments
    edited March 2017 #6

    Chopsticks is one of the reasons why the Chinese never invented custard 

  • G Cherokee
    G Cherokee Forum Participant Posts: 402
    100 Comments
    edited March 2017 #7

    I have kleptomania,

    When it gets really bad,

     

    I take something for it

  • peegeenine
    peegeenine Forum Participant Posts: 548
    edited March 2017 #8

    I used to be indecisive but I'm not so sure now. 

  • JCB4X4
    JCB4X4 Forum Participant Posts: 466
    100 Comments
    edited March 2017 #9

    I'll take my hand off the side of your face!!

  • papgeno
    papgeno Forum Participant Posts: 2,158
    1000 Comments
    edited March 2017 #10

    My Grandma used to say "Self praise is no recommendation " the perfect put down to anybody blowing their own trumpet.

  • ABM
    ABM Forum Participant Posts: 14,578
    1000 Comments
    edited March 2017 #11

    The  only  time  the  World  beats  a  path  to  my  door  is  when  I'm  in  the  Bathroom

  • brue
    brue Forum Participant Posts: 21,176 ✭✭✭✭✭
    1000 Comments
    edited March 2017 #12

    Knowledge is knowing a tomato is fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

  • robsail
    robsail Forum Participant Posts: 1,441
    1000 Comments
    edited April 2017 #13

    A  politician's role expands to take up the time available

    (Gosh that's not so funny!)

  • papgeno
    papgeno Forum Participant Posts: 2,158
    1000 Comments
    edited April 2017 #14

    A variation of Parkinson's Law

    I'm reading a book on antigravity. I can't put it down .

  • brue
    brue Forum Participant Posts: 21,176 ✭✭✭✭✭
    1000 Comments
    edited April 2017 #15

    Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

  • bobpjones
    bobpjones Forum Participant Posts: 8
    edited April 2017 #16

    I once tried that and missed the ground 

  • ABM
    ABM Forum Participant Posts: 14,578
    1000 Comments
    edited April 2017 #17

    How  many  boxes  of  these  "Thin Mints"  do  i  have  to  eat  before  I  start  to  see  some  results  undecided  ??

  • DSB
    DSB Club Member Posts: 5,666 ✭✭✭
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    edited May 2017 #18

    I still remember with fondness Eric Morecambe in a sketch with Andre Previous,  if my memory serves me correctly - "I'm playing all the right notes,  but not necessarily in the right order" - classic!  The number of times I've quoted that...... 😂 

    David 

  • NoseyBarkers
    NoseyBarkers Forum Participant Posts: 3
    edited June 2017 #19

    Sorry in advance if a bit rude..

     

    "Its a good A**e the speaks out loud but a bad A**e that speaks out of turn.

  • mickysf
    mickysf Forum Participant Posts: 6,474 ✭✭✭
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    edited June 2017 #20

    I'm the boss in our house and I've Mrs SF's permission to say so!

  • mickysf
    mickysf Forum Participant Posts: 6,474 ✭✭✭
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    edited June 2017 #21

    Topiary? You can cut that out!

  • brue
    brue Forum Participant Posts: 21,176 ✭✭✭✭✭
    1000 Comments
    edited June 2017 #22

    It took me two hours before I realised my pot of herbs had gone missing. I thought "No way? Where's the thyme gone......" 

  • Freelander359
    Freelander359 Forum Participant Posts: 107
    100 Comments
    edited June 2017 #23

    "Went to my allotment and found that there was twice as much soil as there was the week before. The plot thickens."

  • mickysf
    mickysf Forum Participant Posts: 6,474 ✭✭✭
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    edited June 2017 #24

    My friend opened an origami shop. His business folded! 

  • mickysf
    mickysf Forum Participant Posts: 6,474 ✭✭✭
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    edited June 2017 #25

    He then went on to open a macrame shop. Alas he knew knot what he was doing!

  • brue
    brue Forum Participant Posts: 21,176 ✭✭✭✭✭
    1000 Comments
    edited June 2017 #26

    laughing

  • ABM
    ABM Forum Participant Posts: 14,578
    1000 Comments
    edited June 2017 #27

    England  has  no  Kidney  Bank,  but  it  does  have  a  Liverpool.

  • 63ellsbells
    63ellsbells Forum Participant Posts: 138
    100 Comments
    edited July 2017 #28

    He is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

  • 63ellsbells
    63ellsbells Forum Participant Posts: 138
    100 Comments
    edited July 2017 #29

    I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?

  • ABM
    ABM Forum Participant Posts: 14,578
    1000 Comments
    edited July 2017 #30

    don't  worry  about  Old  Age --  it  doesn't  last

  • mickysf
    mickysf Forum Participant Posts: 6,474 ✭✭✭
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    edited July 2017 #31

    Having a Parisian mother and father from Warsaw he then thought a French Polish shop would work. However, he rubbed up the customers the wrong way and they didn't take a shine to him.

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