Funny one liners and sayings

13

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  • ABM
    ABM Forum Participant Posts: 14,578
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    edited December 2020 #62

    Sigh      { With apologies to Wotsername }

  • papgeno
    papgeno Forum Participant Posts: 2,158
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    edited December 2020 #63

    If your nose runs and your feet smell you're built upside down

  • papgeno
    papgeno Forum Participant Posts: 2,158
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    edited December 2020 #64

    I used to be indecisive now I'm not sure

  • Rocky 2 buckets
    Rocky 2 buckets Forum Participant Posts: 7,101
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    edited February 2021 #65

    Without further ado about nothing.

    Don't cry over split hairs.

    Find a needle while making hay.

    Garbage in garbage out of the box thinking.

  • Rocky 2 buckets
    Rocky 2 buckets Forum Participant Posts: 7,101
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    edited February 2021 #66

    Keep smiling👍🏻😊-

  • Rocky 2 buckets
    Rocky 2 buckets Forum Participant Posts: 7,101
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    edited February 2021 #67

    Last one👍🏻

  • ABM
    ABM Forum Participant Posts: 14,578
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    edited February 2021 #68

    I like 'em, Rocky Lad, tickle my funnybone nicely  laughing

  • Rocky 2 buckets
    Rocky 2 buckets Forum Participant Posts: 7,101
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    edited February 2021 #69

    You are most welcome muscles👍🏻💪🏻

  • ABM
    ABM Forum Participant Posts: 14,578
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    edited March 2021 #70

    My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. 

      I said, "No we all seem to enjoy it"

     

    I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink.

      Turns out it was the refrigerator.

     

    I thought growing old would take longer.

     

    My bucket list : keep breathing.

  • ABM
    ABM Forum Participant Posts: 14,578
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    edited March 2021 #71

    Camping :- where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person

     

    Just for once , I want a username and password prompt to say :-

    "close enough"

     

    Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.

     

    I'm a multitasker,. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time.

  • brue
    brue Forum Participant Posts: 21,176 ✭✭✭✭✭
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    edited March 2021 #72

    Filched from Comic Relief...

    What is a magic dog?

    A Labracadabrador

    ...........................................................................................................

    Two crisps were strolling along a road.

    A passerby offered them a lift.

    They said "No thanks, we're Walkers."

    tongue-out

  • Amesford
    Amesford Forum Participant Posts: 685
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    edited March 2021 #73

    My mate has a dog called Woodbine which has no legs but every night he takes it out for a drag 

  • ABM
    ABM Forum Participant Posts: 14,578
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    edited March 2021 #74

    Groan

     

    Sigh

  • Amesford
    Amesford Forum Participant Posts: 685
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    edited March 2021 #75

    I was asked what animal would I like to be on a cold day 

                  I replied a little otter 

  • ABM
    ABM Forum Participant Posts: 14,578
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    edited March 2021 #76

    I don't trip, I do random gravity checks.

     

    My heart says chocolate and wine, But my jeans say, please, please eat a salad!!

     

    Never laugh at your spouse's choices ~~ You are one of them !

     

    One minute you are young and fun. The next you're turning down the car stereo to see better.

     

    I'd grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds

     

    Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now on I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.

  • ABM
    ABM Forum Participant Posts: 14,578
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    edited March 2021 #77

    Some people are like clouds, once they disappear it's a beautiful day

     

    My body is a temple,  ancient and crumbling.

     

    Common sense is not a gift. It is a punishment because you have to deal with everybody who doesn't have it.

     

    I came.  I saw.  I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back.  Now I have no idea what's going on.

     

     

  • ABM
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    edited May 2021 #78

    The pub is just 6 minutes walk from my home.

    My home is 55 minutes from the pub, 

    The difference is Staggering undecided

  • cyberyacht
    cyberyacht Forum Participant Posts: 10,218
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    edited July 2021 #79

    My OH has become obsessed by bondage. I'm at the end of my tether.

  • papgeno
    papgeno Forum Participant Posts: 2,158
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    edited July 2021 #80

    I can’t stand all these intellectuals banging on about Mozart when they’ve never even seen one of his paintings 

  • papgeno
    papgeno Forum Participant Posts: 2,158
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    edited July 2021 #81

    I bought a U2 version of Monopoly the other day. It’s rubbish, the streets have no names.

  • papgeno
    papgeno Forum Participant Posts: 2,158
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    edited July 2021 #82

    Got this from the Motorhome man on YouTube 

    I used to collect tractors but I don’t any more, I’m an ex tractor fan

  • ABM
    ABM Forum Participant Posts: 14,578
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    edited July 2021 #83

    GROAN  sealed

  • cyberyacht
    cyberyacht Forum Participant Posts: 10,218
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    edited August 2021 #84

    My wife has developed an obsession with bondage - I'm at the end of my tether.

  • cyberyacht
    cyberyacht Forum Participant Posts: 10,218
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    edited August 2021 #85

    The eyes to the left, the nose to the right. Why is the Speaker of the House obsessed with Picasso?

  • Rocky 2 buckets
    Rocky 2 buckets Forum Participant Posts: 7,101
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    edited August 2021 #86

    I’ve reached that age where my brain changed from-‘you probably shouldn’t say that’ to ‘what the hell let’s see what happens’

  • Rocky 2 buckets
    Rocky 2 buckets Forum Participant Posts: 7,101
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    edited August 2021 #87

    Living on Earth is expensive but it does include a free trip around the sun👍🏻

  • Rocky 2 buckets
    Rocky 2 buckets Forum Participant Posts: 7,101
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    edited August 2021 #88

    There are two kinds of People.

    1) those that can extrapolate from incomplete data.

  • ABM
    ABM Forum Participant Posts: 14,578
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    edited August 2021 #89

    The main function of the little toe on your foot is to ensure the furniture in the house is in the correct position  yell

  • ABM
    ABM Forum Participant Posts: 14,578
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    edited August 2021 #90

    I Finally did it  !

    I bought a new pair of shoes with memory foam insoles ~~  so no more walking into a room & wondering why I was there.   innocent

  • brue
    brue Forum Participant Posts: 21,176 ✭✭✭✭✭
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    edited August 2021 #91

    On a local garden gate...

    Trespassers will be composted. 

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