Funny one liners and sayings

24

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  • ABM
    ABM Forum Participant Posts: 14,578
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    edited July 2017 #32

    I  did  a  theatrical  performance  about  puns.  It  was  a  play  on  words

  • mickysf
    mickysf Forum Participant Posts: 6,474 ✭✭✭
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    edited July 2017 #33

    Thinking a new direction was need he tried a cartography shop. Unfortunately the wheel fell off that one!

  • cyberyacht
    cyberyacht Forum Participant Posts: 10,218
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    edited July 2017 #34

    Having recently returned from Stratford upon Avon, I'm reminded of the American tourist who saw a play at the RSC and commented "I don't know why everyone goes on about Shakesspeare. It's just a lot of familiar sayings strung together"

  • ABM
    ABM Forum Participant Posts: 14,578
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    edited July 2017 #35

    Velcro  --  What  a  ripoff  !!

  • robsail
    robsail Forum Participant Posts: 1,441
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    edited July 2017 #36

    my wife says that I'm head of the household, and she is the neck that turns it!

  • PATMAU
    PATMAU Forum Participant Posts: 250
    edited July 2017 #37

    The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.... with a bread knife.

  • papgeno
    papgeno Forum Participant Posts: 2,158
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    edited July 2017 #38

    An American tourist was walking past the Houses of Parliament when Big Ben struck the hour. He turned to his wife and said "Is that clock right?"

  • ABM
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    edited July 2017 #39

    I  flunked  my  School  cert  in  politics  --  Lousy  Marx

  • cyberyacht
    cyberyacht Forum Participant Posts: 10,218
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    edited July 2017 #40

    I went on one of those naturist holidays - I was totally browned off.

  • brue
    brue Forum Participant Posts: 21,176 ✭✭✭✭✭
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    edited July 2017 #41

    Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

  • mickysf
    mickysf Forum Participant Posts: 6,474 ✭✭✭
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    edited July 2017 #42

    I went on a once in a life time holiday, never again!

  • Rocky 2 buckets
    Rocky 2 buckets Forum Participant Posts: 7,101
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    edited July 2017 #43

    I've just found out I'm colour blind, the diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

     

    My wife uses my T-shirts & my sweaters, but if I use Her dresses-suddenly it's an issue.

     

    always plan ahead-it wasn't raining when Noah started building the Ark.

  • papgeno
    papgeno Forum Participant Posts: 2,158
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    edited July 2017 #44

    My ex girl friend said she'd love me till hell froze - sure must have been a cold winter

  • crusader
    crusader Forum Participant Posts: 299
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    edited August 2017 #45

    just when you thought you had finished al the jobs on the list............she says can you !!!!!!!

  • cyberyacht
    cyberyacht Forum Participant Posts: 10,218
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    edited August 2017 #46

    The future's bright. The future's Orange. William & Mary 1688

  • SteveL
    SteveL Club Member Posts: 12,299 ✭✭✭
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    edited August 2017 #47

    After cartography he tried taxidermy, until one of his customers told him to get stuffed

  • Coltheox
    Coltheox Forum Participant Posts: 12
    edited October 2017 #48

    Two cannibals on a desert island eating a clown, and one says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you'?

  • ABM
    ABM Forum Participant Posts: 14,578
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    edited October 2017 #49

    Do  you  ever  wake  up,  kiss  the  person  next  to  you  and  feel  glad  to  be  alive  ??

    I  just  did  and,  apparently,  will  not  be  allowed  on  this  airline  again  ,,  ,,  ,,  ,,  ,,  ,, 

  • marchie1053
    marchie1053 Forum Participant Posts: 584
    edited March 2020 #50

    But the treatment really hurts. You'll have to steel yourself ...

  • marchie1053
    marchie1053 Forum Participant Posts: 584
    edited March 2020 #51

    In the bar at a Chemistry Conference, a pompous individual ordered an H2O. A fellow first-time participant, not wanting to show his innocence, decided to follow suit, and said 'I'll have an H2O too'.

    The Coroner found that it was the peroxide that killed him ...

  • papgeno
    papgeno Forum Participant Posts: 2,158
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    edited April 2020 #52

    I think that flies are very wise, when winter comes they dies .

    (after Spike Milligan)

  • papgeno
    papgeno Forum Participant Posts: 2,158
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    edited April 2020 #53

    The shortest poem. 

    "Flies"

    Adam 'ad 'em.

     

  • papgeno
    papgeno Forum Participant Posts: 2,158
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    edited April 2020 #54

    Oops 😱

    Wrong title, should be "Fleas"

  • ABM
    ABM Forum Participant Posts: 14,578
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    edited April 2020 #55

    I need to practise Social Distancing --  From the refrigerator

     

    Still haven't decided where to go for Whitsun  ==  The living room or the Bedroom  undecided

     

    This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat just as if it understood her. I came into the house & told my dog,  Oh how we laughed  laughing

     

    My body has absorbed do much soap & disinfectant recently that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

                                             Donald Trump

  • marchie1053
    marchie1053 Forum Participant Posts: 584
    edited April 2020 #56

    Today I did something I never thought I would. I put on a mask, walked into the Bank and told the Cashier to hand over the money.

    Tomorrow I'm going to hold a quarantine party; you're all not invited.

    On Monday, I shall stay healthy by sitting on the sofa and taking no exercise

    Steve

  • papgeno
    papgeno Forum Participant Posts: 2,158
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    edited April 2020 #57

    Drink a pint of ink a day. That'll make you write.

  • ABM
    ABM Forum Participant Posts: 14,578
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    edited November 2020 #58

    When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

     

    To me, " Drink Responsibly " means don't spill it.

     

    It's the start of a new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles !

     

    The older I get the earlier it gets late.

     

    When I say " The other day" ,I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

     

     

  • ABM
    ABM Forum Participant Posts: 14,578
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    edited November 2020 #59

    I remember being able to get around without all these sound effects

    I truly had my patience tested today -- I'm Negative

    Remember if you lose a sock in the dryer, it will come back as a Tupperware  lid that fits none of your boxes

    If you sit in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, " Did you bring the money ?"

    I hate it when couples argue in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I am on.

  • cyberyacht
    cyberyacht Forum Participant Posts: 10,218
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    edited November 2020 #60

    What's with this mass testing? Is it merger between the Catholic Church and checkatrade?

    Did Henry VIII suffer from cloisterphobia?

  • cyberyacht
    cyberyacht Forum Participant Posts: 10,218
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    edited December 2020 #61

    We are angry! We have had ENOUGH! We will never help anyone again. EVER!!
    Either we're too kindhearted, too stupid, or too gullible!! Out of the kindness of our hearts and because it was so cold out yesterday, we took a man into our home. Felt so sorry for him. Poor thing was frozen stiff, we had to carry him out of the cold.
    This morning he just vanished. Not a word, not even "goodbye" or "thank you" for sheltering him!! The last straw? I realized he had peed all over the living room floor!
    Like SERIOUSLY That's the "thank you" we get for being good to people?
    Now we're going to warn our lovely friends/family to watch out for this man! He is heavy set, and he's wearing nothing but a scarf. He has a nose that looks like a carrot, 2 black eyes and his arms are so skinny they look like sticks!! Don't bring him into your house! What a huge mess he made on our floor but he did leave me his scarf!
    He goes by the name of Frosty.

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