Jokes No?

papgeno
papgeno Forum Participant Posts: 2,158
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edited December 2016 in Fun & Trivia #1

I couldn't be bothered going far enough back to find this thread so here's one I saw on Facebook the other day.

Paddy and Murphy were looking at stones in and around the churchyard. Wow said Paddy this guy here was 152. What was he called said Murphy. Miles from London said Paddy.

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Comments

  • cyberyacht
    cyberyacht Forum Participant Posts: 10,218
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    edited December 2016 #2

    The new CC CT Forum.

  • volvoman9
    volvoman9 Forum Participant Posts: 1,053
    500 Comments
    edited December 2016 #3

    My O/H said lets dash up stairs and make love surprised i said well make your mind up its one or the other frown

    v9

  • robsail
    robsail Forum Participant Posts: 1,441
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2016 #4

    What was Jesus's job.........Painting cars! After all he was a carpainter!

  • papgeno
    papgeno Forum Participant Posts: 2,158
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    edited December 2016 #5

    Part of a bedtime conversation between John and Jane.

    I like it like this said John indifferently,

     

    You have unplumbed depths said John shortly,

     

    We'll have to change the sheets again said John aimlessly 

  • SteveL
    SteveL Club Member Posts: 12,300 ✭✭✭
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    edited December 2016 #6

     

    What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?

    A Holly Davidson!

    (been collecting 'groaners' for the home made crackers)

  • SteveL
    SteveL Club Member Posts: 12,300 ✭✭✭
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    edited December 2016 #7

    Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?

    Because he had a low "elf" esteem!

    (Another one for the crackers!)

  • Kerry Watkins
    Kerry Watkins Forum Participant Posts: 325
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    edited December 2016 #8

    A jigsaw maker left his wife on Christmas Eve. Poor thing was in pieces afterwards!

  • robsail
    robsail Forum Participant Posts: 1,441
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    edited December 2016 #9

    What takes off and wobbles?

    A jellicopter

  • Rutlander
    Rutlander Forum Participant Posts: 9
    edited January 2017 #10

    The inventor of the crossword is buried in our village cemetery, he's located at 6 down and 9 across.

  • papgeno
    papgeno Forum Participant Posts: 2,158
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    edited January 2017 #11

    An old bloke and his wife didn't really get on anymore. They were discussing funeral arrangements. He said "Where would you like to be buried?". She said "On top of thee"

  • paul56
    paul56 Forum Participant Posts: 937
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    edited January 2017 #12

    A lorry full of tortoises crashed into a van full of terrapins - it was a turtle disaster.

  • crusader
    crusader Forum Participant Posts: 299
    100 Comments
    edited January 2017 #13

    Two old men sitting in a deckchair, one said to the other nice out, the other said yes but you better put it away there's a copper coming

     

     

  • robsail
    robsail Forum Participant Posts: 1,441
    1000 Comments
    edited February 2017 #14

    Well you know this iceberg lettuce shortage? Garden centres are reporting that there is a shortage of lettuce seeds, is this the tip of the iceberg?

  • Hakinbush
    Hakinbush Forum Participant Posts: 286
    edited February 2017 #15

    My dog kept chasing someone on a bike, soon stopped that ,I took his bike away...

  • ABM
    ABM Forum Participant Posts: 14,578
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    edited February 2017 #16

    As  the  coffin  was  being  lowered  into  the  ground  at  the  Traffic  Wardens  Funeral,  a  voice  from  inside  screams  :

    "I'm  not  dead,  I'm  not  dead.  let  me  out !"

    The  Vicar  smiles,  leans  forward,  sucking  air  through  his  teeth  and  mutters,

    "Too  late  mate,  the  paperworks  already  done  !!"

  • papgeno
    papgeno Forum Participant Posts: 2,158
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    edited February 2017 #17

    An old couple were arguing as was their wont. After a while the talk turned to funerals. He said to her "Where would you like to buried?" She said to him "On top of thee "

  • papgeno
    papgeno Forum Participant Posts: 2,158
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    edited March 2017 #18

    Two thieves broke into a pharmacy and stole boxes of Viagra.

     

    The police are looking for a couple of hardened criminals.

  • robsail
    robsail Forum Participant Posts: 1,441
    1000 Comments
    edited March 2017 #19

    Grandma can you make a noise like a frog?

    Why dear? replied  grandma.

    Well dad says we'll go to Disneyland when you croak! 

     

    (Sorry!,)

  • 63ellsbells
    63ellsbells Forum Participant Posts: 138
    100 Comments
    edited August 2017 #20

    The wife was counting all the 5 and 10 pence coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.


    I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

  • 63ellsbells
    63ellsbells Forum Participant Posts: 138
    100 Comments
    edited August 2017 #21

    The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
    So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

     

  • ABM
    ABM Forum Participant Posts: 14,578
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    edited September 2017 #22

    A  Minister  was  invited  to  attend  a  house  party,  so  naturally  he  went  properly  dressed  and  wearing  his  clerical  collar.

    A  little  boy  kept  staring  at  him  all  evening.  Finally,  the  minister  asked  the  little  boy  what  he  was  staring  at.

    The  little  boy  pointed  to  the  minister's  neck.  When  the  minister  finally  realised  what  the  boy  was  pointing  at,  he  asked  the  boy, " Do  you  know  why  I  am  wearing  that?"

    The  little  boy  nodded  and  said ,  "Yes,  It  kills  fleas  and  ticks  for  up  to  three  months!"

  • ABM
    ABM Forum Participant Posts: 14,578
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    edited September 2017 #23

    The  room  was  full  of  pregnant women,  many  with  their  husbands. The  instructor  said, " Ladies, remember  that  exercise  is  good  for  you.  Walking  is  especially  beneficial --  strengthens the  pelvic  muscles  which  will  make  delivery  that  much  easier.  Just  pace  yourself,  make  plenty  of  stops  and  try  to  stay  on  soft  surfaces,  like  a  grass  path."

    "Gentlemen,  remember  --  you're  in  this  together.  It  wouldn't  hurt  you  to  go  walking  with  her.  In  fact  the  shared  experience  would  be  good  for  both  of  you."

    The  room  suddenly  became  very  quiet  as  the  men  absorbed  this  information.  After  a  few  moments  a  man,  name unknown,  at  the  back  of  the  room,  slowly  raised  his  hand.

    "Yes ?"  said  the  instructor.

    " I  was  just  wondering  if  it  would  be  alright  if  she  carries  a  golf  bag ?"

     

    Brings  a  tear  to  your  eye  don't  it  ?!?

    THIS  LEVEL  OF  SENSITIVITY  CAN'T BE  TAUGHT.

  • marchie1053
    marchie1053 Forum Participant Posts: 584
    edited March 2020 #24

    I've just returned from my latest session with our Relationship Counsellor. She asked me if I had any character flaws.

    'Well, we have some 1930s parquet in the Dining Room,' I replied ...

    Steve

  • Metheven
    Metheven Club Member Posts: 3,987 ✭✭✭
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    edited April 2020 #25

    After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,
    which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
    Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.


    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.
    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.
    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per Minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.
    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.
    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what they're for.
    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.
    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

  • Whittakerr
    Whittakerr Club Member Posts: 3,472 ✭✭✭✭
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    edited April 2020 #26

    A duck was just about to cross the road when a chicken ran up to it and said for Gods sake don’t do it, you’ll never hear the end of it!

  • Whittakerr
    Whittakerr Club Member Posts: 3,472 ✭✭✭✭
    1000 Comments Photogenic
    edited April 2020 #27

    I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.

  • cyberyacht
    cyberyacht Forum Participant Posts: 10,218
    1000 Comments
    edited April 2020 #28

    It's 5 minutes walk from my house to the pub but it's 45 minutes from the pub to my house. The time difference is staggering.

  • papgeno
    papgeno Forum Participant Posts: 2,158
    1000 Comments
    edited April 2020 #29

    A chap went to see the doctor, the conversation went like this:

    Chap: Doctor I've got terrible flatulence and the smell is awful.

    Doctor: You've got a bad case of the aroma virus.

  • papgeno
    papgeno Forum Participant Posts: 2,158
    1000 Comments
    edited April 2020 #30

    I was in the supermarket the other day and the man in front of me bought a sombrero, a paella ready meal, some tortillas and a pair of maracas.

    I thought Hispanic buying.

  • cyberyacht
    cyberyacht Forum Participant Posts: 10,218
    1000 Comments
    edited April 2020 #31

    I’m not sure why the Chinese are getting the blame for their Wuhan meat market. Corolla virus originated in a car factory in Japan.

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