Jokes No?
I couldn't be bothered going far enough back to find this thread so here's one I saw on Facebook the other day.
Paddy and Murphy were looking at stones in and around the churchyard. Wow said Paddy this guy here was 152. What was he called said Murphy. Miles from London said Paddy.
Comments
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The new CC CT Forum.
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A jigsaw maker left his wife on Christmas Eve. Poor thing was in pieces afterwards!
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As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at the Traffic Wardens Funeral, a voice from inside screams :
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. let me out !"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late mate, the paperworks already done !!"
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The wife was counting all the 5 and 10 pence coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."0 -
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.0 -
A Minister was invited to attend a house party, so naturally he went properly dressed and wearing his clerical collar.
A little boy kept staring at him all evening. Finally, the minister asked the little boy what he was staring at.
The little boy pointed to the minister's neck. When the minister finally realised what the boy was pointing at, he asked the boy, " Do you know why I am wearing that?"
The little boy nodded and said , "Yes, It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months!"
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The room was full of pregnant women, many with their husbands. The instructor said, " Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial -- strengthens the pelvic muscles which will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on soft surfaces, like a grass path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact the shared experience would be good for both of you."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes ?" said the instructor.
" I was just wondering if it would be alright if she carries a golf bag ?"
Brings a tear to your eye don't it ?!?
THIS LEVEL OF SENSITIVITY CAN'T BE TAUGHT.
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I've just returned from my latest session with our Relationship Counsellor. She asked me if I had any character flaws.
'Well, we have some 1930s parquet in the Dining Room,' I replied ...
Steve
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After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per Minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.3 -
A duck was just about to cross the road when a chicken ran up to it and said for Gods sake don’t do it, you’ll never hear the end of it!
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I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.
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It's 5 minutes walk from my house to the pub but it's 45 minutes from the pub to my house. The time difference is staggering.
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I’m not sure why the Chinese are getting the blame for their Wuhan meat market. Corolla virus originated in a car factory in Japan.
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i said well make your mind up its one or the other 
