Heartbreaking Decision
I'm shortly going to have to face what for us will be a heartbreaking decision. My wife and I love caravanning so much, and last year we finally found the perfect caravan, following ownership of two previous vans. We bought it brand new last April with many expensive extras added, and is only ten months old. I even bought a good tow car to pull it. I didn't mind spending so much because we love the lifestyle and intended to keep the van for many years. We've always enjoyed going away three or four times a year. The problem is my elderly mother has become infirm and can't go away with us in the van. She can't cope any more in her own house and has come to live with us. She needs constant attention at home which means my wife and I can't holiday with the caravan any more. I don't have the heart to put her in a care home, so it appears we are going to have to give up touring and sell our beautiful caravan while it still has good value. I just wish there was some sort of magical solution that would allow us to continue, but it seems impossible.
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I am sorry to hear your news and indeed there is no easy decision to be made. A friend of ours used to be in a similar position for several years (not a caravanner though). He and his wife would go away for a couple of two weeks holidays and a couple of long weekends each year. They used their mothers capital to pay for that care and for what effectively amounted to 5 weeks round the clock care in their home the cost was about £5,000. Indeed they felt that they needed that respite.
I would find the situation very difficult
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Very hard for you indeed. I used to work in respite care and the agency I worked for sent us on Three week assignments which might be an option for you. You will need to look after yourselves as well you know it is very important to have some breaks. Maybe your surgery would know someone suitable. I can't find my agency but there are plenty out there. For example www.rightathome.co.uk
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Even with your commendable commitment to your parent, you will need a break and I too would counsel arranging a couple of periods of respite care to give you time to recharge your batteries.
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I have been fortunate in that much of the 'caring' type activities for me have largely involved practical help rather than full time. I cared for my wife full time whilst also working full time from home for 9 months and looking after our 13 year old daughter. I was 40 then and so fitter and more able. Physically and emotionally draining although you only realise in such a situation afterwards and yes I would do it again gladly. Having a parent to care for can causes stresses for the couple doing so and a lot depends on the relationship of both with the parent.
I had my father living with us for 9 months purely because due to health issues and surgery he needed 'building up' or would have gone downhill fast. In his case however after 9 months he was able to return to his own home and I would walk his dog and do his shopping. We were then able to return to holidaying in the caravan on 1 week trips and I would simply ensure that he would be well stocked up and take his beloved dog on holiday with us. There was not a great emotional bond between us and for him to have lived with us would have been very hard due to his personality.
If it had been my wife's mother or my mother it would have been far easier as my wife and I loved them dearly.
As hard as it is to do so I would counsel that the relationship of both you and your wife with your mother should be considered carefully before deciding on the course of action with regard to full time care.
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Good advice. With your van you can gradually prepare for a break no added stress of booking unknown hotels etc.
I wish you all the best but suggest no decisions at this stage, see how things pan out. Who knows what the holds? Act in haste repent at leisure.
Sorry for brevity using Kindle and this site eats its words as I type but wanted to reply
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Thank you very much for the link. This is definitely worth considering. I'm not sure how my mother would take to it though as she doesn't like strangers. I remember she hated social workers regularly visiting after coming out of hospital about five years ago after breaking a hip.
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Do you have a site close by that you put the van on as a seasonal pitch, not necessarily CC (sorry CMC)? You'll need a break at some point. My FIL felt the same way about carers coming in, didn't want them etc. but eventually he came around to thecae when he saw the stress that not having them was putting on his wife, daughter and myself as carers. He even went into a home for a week on occasions so that we could take the MIL away with us, so you never know attitudes might change and you'll want the sanctity of your van.
Good luck.
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As others have said hang on to your van and try to have some breaks. My Mum needed residential care, it wasn't a case of "putting her into home" she had decided this for herself much earlier on and she has always been independently minded. If you need a break many residential care homes offer respite care so see if there are any near you and have a look at what's available. You also can find respite carers who will live in when needed so that's another alternative, your Mum might even enjoy their company!
You will need a break, and you will need to look after yourself not just your Mum.
Hope things work out well for all of you.
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I have my father's terminal illness to thank for getting back to caravanning! My stepmother didn't think she could cope so asked for help and so we all rallied round and took it in turns to help out. Because stepmother couldn't tolerate my dogs I took a very old caravan which I parked in the orchard - and then took some breaks away in it too. I am so glad I had my getaway.
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The residential home my own mother spent her last days in also did respite care to enable relatives to have a much needed break from caring for loved ones.
There's also Crossroads; an organisation which is involved in respite care in the home. Is there a branch in your area?
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Respite care is definitely the answer. After a break away you will both feel more able to cope with the constant care your Mother needs, also although you are reasonably happy to look after her breaks will stop resentment creeping in in the future. You may well find that she comes to looking forward to her little breaks in a well chosen home. Wins all round and worth considering.
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This is a hard place to be in but as others have said you need to look after yourselves as well, I assume you are, like us, not young. Don't assume all care homes are bad, my mother has gone to live in one a short distance from us which is excellent if expensive. She could no longer live alone and living with us was not an option. Although she is happy there and does not wish to return home what she would like is to be young and fit, so we get moans about things that cannot be changed. Older people can become selfish in their demands and difficult to live with - I would consider all options very carefully. Best wishes.
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We are not teenagers any more, both in our mid 60's. My mother is 94, and although registered blind, still has slight sight in one eye. We have to administer her medication and prepare her meals. She just manages to struggle around our home with a walking frame, and we had a stair lift fitted last week as she can't climb any steps. We use a wheelchair when taking her out. She is still very aware, not too demanding, but very stubborn and selfish, and we're finding it difficult, although we are starting to gradually mellow her a little.
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Hi Jill. Yes, there is a Crossroads Care here. I've just found them online. I will contact them for advice. Thanks very much.
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Don't get rid of your van yet. Explore all options, make sure you get all the benefits and entitlements you can for your Mum, make sure you get as much help from GP's, district nurses, other health visitors that you can. Some GP's recognise how stressful caring is, and may be able to help you access respite services at a reasonable cost. Get onto the Care Quality Commission website and see what good quality care providers and respite centres there are in your area.
If you don't use other agencies, your Mum and you will feel isolated, and frustrated. Little by little, you must make her accept help, be it someone just coming in an hour a week to start with. New faces, carefully checked out will offer her a change, someone new to talk to, and help you as well. If nothing else should an emergency arise and you cannot be there for her, you will be registered with a care provider.
Very old people, without meaning to be, become insular and almost selfish, can no longer see beyond their own needs, often refuse to recognise just how much help they really do need, and don't always recognise the health and mental toll that others are suffering. Very very few make the brave decision to go into a care home, or accept other forms of help, without social services intervening. You have to let go bit by bit, gently introduce some new faces and care, and try and build it up. Especially if you have no one to help you, you just cannot do it all. Care is seriously expensive, but if you can manage a break every three months then it will keep you sane.
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Your 'van is a valuable asset, and not just in money terms. Can you store it at home and use it there when your mother is being looked after overnight by a residential carer? Or as a quite place to go to get one of you out of the house for a few hours? Perhaps you could site it somewhere near within a sensible commuting distance and take turns with your wife in having a few days away alone there?
As is being said above, it will be your time away that will allow you to continue for longer as a care giver. When your mother is able to go somewhere for her holidays (a much nicer way to phrase things than "respite care") you can be more flexible with your 'van than booking built accomodation.
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Sorry to hear of your situation but agree with most of what has been written. Friends of ours who had mother living with them used a local home for her when they went on holiday. Mother was unsure as were they, but she loved it so much she agreed to move into the home and now enjoys life with people of her own age to socialise with. When they visit her they have far more to talk about than when she lived with them. It has been a win-win situation all round. So....don't be too hasty to sell your caravan. Best of luck with whatever you decide.
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All helpful advice. The first few months of caring are a terrific shock, and if you can stay strong as a couple it will help. I won't say that it gets easier, but you learn to cope, to adapt and seize any opportunities that come your way. I am fortunate to share caring for my elderly parents with my sibling, which in itself can raise issues, but the more trusted hands you can get on board the better. I sincerely hope that things work out for you, and for others out there having to take on similar responsibilities. What I wouldn't give for a full two weeks away.........
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