Its not really as draconian as this.....is it?
Procedure for Booking In at Caravan Club Site
Arrive at the New Arrivals Area on the Site approach road having complied with any restrictions in the Sites Handbook relating to earliest time of arrival and stop at the next available waiting position (this will be probably be clearly identified by a marker post of many colours), take care not to park outside of the allocated space due to the danger of spontaneous caravan combustion occurring on your or any adjacent waiting unit.
Proceed on foot in an orderly manner whilst strictly observing and obeying any Warning, Caution or Danger signs which may be present and make your way to the Site Office. At this juncture it is paramount to note that should the office be closed as indicated by the clearly affixed opening hours notice, on or adjacent to the office door; do not under any circumstances transgress the rules regarding contacting the Duty Site Staff. If the sign indicates that unless an emergency situation has arisen and there is a danger to life or someone has disobeyed the separation rule relating to adjacent units or pitched otherwise in accordance with the pretty diagrams that are to be found at every site office; then you must not even consider ringing the bell provided.
If you are lucky enough to arrive at a time which does not inconvenience the Site Staff then you are doing very well and the next phase of the induction should go relatively smoothly providing of course that you do not have cause to ask for clarification on any part of the procedure.
Having proffered your name, age, date of birth, driving licence (both card and paper part), passport birth certificate and if applicable marriage certificate plus of course a valid membership card; you will then be required to part with a considerable amount of cash (other forms of payment are acceptable at this time such as credit or debit cards or a bleeding stone). Things are still going well if you have made it to this point without the Site Staff having to raise an eyebrow, tut or take a sharp intake of breath.
The most important part of the process is the local interpretation of the head office edict relating to the arrangement of your unit within the allocated pitching space. At this stage do not make any derisive comment or try to explain that last week/yesterday another CC site had a slightly different interpretation as this will be taken as a personal slight by the Site Staff collective who will have spent many hours drawing and colouring in innumerable versions before coming up with a scheme and associated diagrammatic displays which would baffle Einstein.
So now the time will come for you to be allowed to make footfall on the hallowed ground that is the CC Site itself. Local rules and regulations (created of course by someone who probably has little grasp on reality and/or common sense) in order to choose a pitch from the relevant colour coded pegs that will be proudly displayed offset from the centre of the respective area which they designate.
If you’re lucky you will have been allowed to drive in and make your selection but there is now likely to be more chance than not that you will have to walk the site and report back to the site office with a pitch number which you would like to utilise. In this situation you will receive a final briefing relating to the incredible danger that your outfit could pose to your neighbours, the site and Northern Hemisphere if you are not parked strictly in accordance with the required local interpretation of the head office edict. If you look a bit shady or gave the impression that you were falling asleep during the induction process then it is more than fair to expect to get escorted by Mr Site Staff to your chosen location with a final reminder from Mr/Mrs Site Staff not to exceed 5 MPH
On arrival at the allocated pitching space you will most likely have to execute a perfect blind reverse turn due to the decision to locate the peg on the offside of the caravan and the Site Staff will be ready with the Tape measure, set square and other associated surveying equipment to confirm that you are correctly located within the area selected. During this final phase of the siting it is worthwhile taking as long as possible without raising suspicion of time wasting to get the unit laterally level…this can take the form of the use of specially manufactured stepped plastic ramps or other baulks of timber. Making numerous manoeuvres with the tow car to do this is excellent and will make the Site Staff appreciate your care and consideration.
Comments
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Word Count 798: humour content Zero. What did you hope to achieve with this 'Story'? Satire is amusing and hopes to reform : sarcasm, which seeks to do harm, should be avoided.
...Pleased you enjoyed it....try a visit to Troutbeck Head CC site if you wish to take part
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absolutely brilliant.& an awful lot of it hitting very close to home.
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looks like motorhomer is desperately trying for another star.
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This isn't Troutbeck Head it is Cirencester Park circa 2008.
Warden count 4, level of welcome (after 10 hours travelling in howling gale and rainstorm, pee wet through, tired as hell, a mere 4 minutes after office had closed!) Zero!
Stayed a night, will never go back, someone out there knows who they are, may your skylights leak, your gas pipes shrivel and your Warden's badge self implode!
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Ha ha ha ..... very funny spanner......
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What a great well written piece and how true parts of it are. I feel pity for those who don't have a sense of humour and ridicule it. Sadly it is a reflection on how life in this country is going unless you live on the wrong side of the law of course and then
you can get away with anything without proving who you are and providing all your personal details . My Dad and Grandad. who fought hard for this country's freedom would turn in their grave if they were around to experience all this dictatorship....sailorgirl2...
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Love it spanner... we had a similar experience earlier this year. But it's been made up for by the welcome from the wardens we've met up here in Scotland.
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Funniest thing I've read in a long time!
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Very good spanner, military mode. He, he.
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Briliant, Spanner.
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